Online pregnancy test reports student only 25 percent pregnant

The Union - Where news meets facts, and they don't hit it off so well

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By Emley Kerry

After worriedly taking an online pregnancy test, British literature major Brittney Hill was relieved to discover she was only 25% pregnant. By answering "no" to the majority of the questions on the internet survey, the conclusive results were that she was not all the way pregnant, but the test advised she check back in a few months to reevaluate the results.

When a night of excessive drinking left Hill wondering where her pants and undergarments were in the morning, she thought there might be a problem. A month or so after "Aunt Flo was supposed to come to town," she realized that she needed to take decisive action.

That's when she did what any qualified researcher would do: she googled it. "I google searched 'Am I pregnant' and took the first quiz in the search results," the junior explained. "I figured it must be pretty reputable since it was at the top of the page."

The perky student said that the results of the 20-question quiz really assuaged her worries. "These tests are usually pretty accurate," said the radiant Hill. "It told me to wait a couple more months to worry and take an at-home pregnancy test. It really put my mind at ease."

Because Hill noted no "movement in her lower abdomen," her chances of being pregnant plummeted about 20%.

Hill's friends, on the other hand, doubt the veracity of the online quiz.

"She's totally pregnant. I can't believe she answered 'no' to the 'Are you bloated question,'" commented friend Sarah Haywood, with a furtive nod in Hill's direction.

"Totally, and she's eating chili cheese fries with chocolate syrup," agreed pal Elizabeth Arroyo. "Weird cravings, much?"

Although Hill is not sure if the 25% score means she is 25% pregnant or has a 25% chance of being pregnant, she sees the results as positive. "If I got 25% on a test at school, that would really suck, so in this instance, I see the bad score as a good thing," she said.

Local doctors advise that the Internet is probably not the best place to find out individual medical information. "You wouldn't get an X-ray or a CAT-scan online, so why a pregnancy test?" Dr. Jonas Salk wondered in amazement. "I mean, one of the questions was 'have you had a positive pregnancy test?'

"Seriously, what kind of idiot takes a pregnancy test online?" mused Salk, as he turned to his computer to take an online IQ test that appeared in a pop-up ad on his screen.

*Relax, this story is fake.

Originally Published: Issue 863 - February 3, 2010

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