Baton Rouge Apple Store Closes after 2 weeks

THIS IS SATIRE

By Stephen Phillips

When the city’s new Apple Store opened its doors on Thursday, March 6, the crowd was enormous, and visitors lined up for what seemed like miles to be among the first thousand customers who received a free Apple T-shirt.

It was an event similar to the release of a popular video-game console or a “Harry Potter” book.

Some Baton Rouge residents wondered if the store would contribute to the growing traffic problem around town, while technology enthusiasts wondered what took Apple so long to bring a retail location to the city.

Those questions were rendered obsolete, however, when Apple Inc. announced the closure of the new store on Friday, March 21, due to lack of sales.

In a press release issued by the company, Apple CEO Steve Jobs said, “We were very pleased with the turnout of the Thursday grand opening. Unfortunately, devastatingly weak sales figures in the first two days of business have forced us to close the Baton Rouge Apple Store’s doors indefinitely.”

The release said that while Apple’s products are strongly gaining popularity all over the world, Baton Rouge is not quite ready for the “innovative, technology-pioneering fantastic power that Apple strives to offer in this growing industry of yuppie assholes.”

Sarah Anderson, former Baton Rouge Apple Store employee, said she understands why the store had to close so suddenly.

“Once we had given away all those T-shirts, it was a wasteland,” said Anderson. “We had the occasional customer trickle in for about a week, but we’ve sold absolutely nothing since the store opened.”

Anderson said most customers came in to try out the computers on display – and some would even stay for several hours – but they would ultimately leave empty-handed.

“Everyone likes the idea of Apple products being available,” she said. “They’re shiny and sleek, and fun to play with – but that’s about it.”

Sociology junior Troy Henson, who camped out at the Apple Store on opening morning to get his free T-shirt, said he couldn’t see himself going back to actually buy anything.

“I told him [a store employee] I was looking to buy a notebook,” Henson said. “His eyes lit up. I needed a basic one for Internet and school stuff, and he told me he had the perfect notebook for me.”

But when the young student, who works part-time on campus, told the employee he was willing to spend as much as $549, “the guy grabbed a spiral-bound note pad from the back room and slapped an Apple sticker on it,” Henson said.

“I guess I’ll stick with Windows,” he added.

There is a social stigma attached to Microsoft Windows users, the student said, which is why he got the free Apple T-shirt to compensate for his small budget.

“At least I’ll look like a Mac user to the general public,” said Henson.

All of the Baton Rouge retail location’s merchandise has been sent back to Apple’s shipping warehouse, where Jobs hopes it will sell more quickly. In several months, however, the company said it would incinerate the unsold products to make room for a new generation of iPhones and piss off its loyal customer base.

In the mean time, Baton Rouge residents will no longer be able to locally interact with many of the electronics Apple offers, but must instead revert back to casually enjoying Apple’s “Mac vs. PC” commercials on YouTube using their Dell and Toshiba laptops.

Send your journalism awards to Stephen@tigerweekly.com

Originally Published: Issue 601 - March 26, 2008

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Comments

Poor attempt at humor.

Steve Jobs | 2008-03-26 - 03:19:19 PM (CDT)
Humor? It’s a legitimate news story, Jobs.

Bill Gates | 2008-03-26 - 03:21:02 PM (CDT)
Where’s the "April Fools!"?

K | 2008-03-26 - 03:54:15 PM (CDT)
Hmm, I visited the Apple store last night and it seemed surprisingly ’not closed’ and busy. Too bad its not April Fools’ day yet. This author’s credibility should be in question, and so is TigerWeekly’s for publishing this.

Anonymous | 2008-03-26 - 04:13:48 PM (CDT)
Poor attempt at humor indeed. So poor, my friend received a text message from his girlfriend (whom both are soon to be Mac users) believing that the article was indeed true. I happened to be around, thus, I’ll dispell the rumor here. This is an April Fool’s joke. For those who may still be in disbelief, I’ve contacted the Apple Store and they’ve confirmed.

Apple Campus Rep | 2008-03-26 - 04:21:36 PM (CDT)
This is proof as to why the entire student body of LSU thinks that the Tiger Weekly is a joke. Poor writing, a gross neglect for the truth and a pitiful sense of humor only add to the fact that this "tabloid" will never be anything more than a liner for my puppy’s kennel.

You should probably lose your job for this article

anonymous | 2008-03-26 - 04:50:23 PM (CDT)
God you apple fanboys are a whiny bunch

tsk tsk | 2008-03-26 - 04:52:34 PM (CDT)
Dear God, it’s a satire column people. It’s a joke.

The first two comments are funny, though, ha.

Philip | 2008-03-26 - 05:03:50 PM (CDT)
Y todavia este tipo tiene las bolas de criticar al diario que le hace la competencia?. He leido el articulo durante mi hora de almuerzo y por un minuto pense que era verdad, cuando fui a verificar a la unica conclusion que pude llegar es que tabloide no es bueno para otra cosa que no sea hacer publicidad a los bares que rodean al capus universitario. Hago enfasis en la idea de que esto no es mas que un mediocre y regular medio de comunicacion falsa escrito por personas tan estupidas que lo unico que nisiquiera lograrian captar la atencion de lectores en un blog de bajo nivel. By the way dude, that was spanish for: your tabloid a disgraceful piece of "journalism."

Hurley | 2008-03-26 - 05:04:07 PM (CDT)
Freetranslation.com told me your Spanish sucks ass.

:( | 2008-03-26 - 05:09:58 PM (CDT)
I get it!
It’s Stephen’s way of amusing his readers by drawing out all the idiots to post their lame attempts at criticism.

Thank you Stephen, for providing all these failed trolls for me to laugh at.

Grimm | 2008-03-26 - 05:10:39 PM (CDT)
those mac commercials are terrible, you see any microsoft commercials ragging on apple? no, why? cause microsoft is better, PERIOD. this article is witty, and true. what other store closes with just 2 days of bad sales?

Brian | 2008-03-26 - 05:23:28 PM (CDT)
I’ve been to the Apple store here in Denver and it’s usually pretty dead though the crowd that shops that mall aren’t likely to worry about wasting 1 or 2K here or there..

IMO Apple stores make about as much sense as Dell stores do...

Anyone with half a braincell can save money even on an Apple by getting it online. Brick and Mortar stores = Markup....

On an already overpriced trendy item it’s no wonder the only sales Apple stores make are impluse buys by people with more cash than common sense.

FSMFTW | 2008-03-26 - 05:46:45 PM (CDT)
Satire is funny. I’m all about funny.

All it would have taken to make this funny would have been an "April Fools" at the end or "April Fools News" or some small disclaimer. That is your duty to your readers.

But presenting this as actual news a week before April Fool’s is not funny.

(required) | 2008-03-26 - 05:57:25 PM (CDT)
The following message is for those of you without the ability to think:

This article is satire.

Jesus | 2008-03-26 - 06:04:02 PM (CDT)
To :(, you do realize that not every language is word:word, grammar: grammar the equivalent of English, right? So no translation program is going to be able to translate something into 100% native speaker English, right?

Sue | 2008-03-26 - 06:45:14 PM (CDT)
No, I didn’t know that. My mind is blown by both that and the fact that people are angry at this article.

:( | 2008-03-26 - 06:48:37 PM (CDT)
If I had an apple I’d kill myself.

Luckily I could only afford a Mead spiral notebook with an apple sticker on it. No battery life issues, no overheating, no exploding batteries, no inferior OS, no issues with lack of software, no people hating the OS so much they bitch until apple allows you to run windows on it. Hmm yeah ill take the spiral notebook all day.

spunk nugget | 2008-03-26 - 07:07:04 PM (CDT)
I’m an apple fanboy but I found that quite amusing.

Lighten up!

=)

Baldrick | 2008-03-26 - 07:26:55 PM (CDT)
you apple lovers take things WAY too seriously.....its a JOKE......ya know, HA HA, funny funny! lighten up already!

daboogas | 2008-03-26 - 08:02:54 PM (CDT)
And of course people assume that the negative comments are from apple-lovers. I don’t need a Mac to know that this is not funny.

windows ftw | 2008-03-26 - 10:32:35 PM (CDT)
Now windows users are getting offended?

damn | 2008-03-26 - 11:00:01 PM (CDT)
I loved it!

FunDude | 2008-03-26 - 12:17:11 AM (CDT)
I hear Jesus had a Macbook and look what happened to him. Be wary!

HFTwoThree | 2008-03-26 - 12:24:56 AM (CDT)
despite this being an attempt at some sort of satire, it\’s actually pretty dumb...all operating system preferences aside. i don\’t even really get the irony in it or who your target audience might be.

this is lame | 2008-03-26 - 12:35:51 AM (CDT)
Good thing you made that clear, 25. Great job!

awesome! | 2008-03-26 - 01:08:00 AM (CDT)
I liked it, sadly it didn’t happen.

Steve Wozniak | 2008-03-26 - 01:51:28 AM (CDT)
Good read. I liked the part when you made fun of Apple users. Again, this was a good read.

Internet User | 2008-03-27 - 02:08:36 AM (CDT)
I did have a Macbook.

Jesus | 2008-03-27 - 05:11:03 AM (CDT)
I used to want to buy a Mac... then I figured out two things:

1. It costs too damned much.
2. It’s just a PC with a different colored wrapper.

Sorry Macies... nothing to see. Move along.

some guy | 2008-03-27 - 12:50:42 PM (CDT)
I admit, I thought it was real until my computer science class in BRCC discussed it, and I came here to see what was being said about the article. The teacher called the store and the person on the line laughed about it. I really think people are taking this way too seriously. I admit to not reading it through completely and yes that was a bad idea. I like Tiger Weekly and I hope you continue writing good stuff including the article in question.

Aubrey | 2008-03-27 - 03:29:56 PM (CDT)
Not really funny. I hope you get fired...or sued.

iWinmac | 2008-03-27 - 05:27:01 PM (CDT)
Hahahahahahaaha nice satire.

For those who don’t know what it is - satire is a fake piece of writing that sounds real essentially.

MrObvious | 2008-03-27 - 06:15:32 PM (CDT)
Actually, satire is a REAL piece of writing in which something is criticized by using sarcasm, ridicule, irony, etc. in an attempt to promote change. Sarcasm is not merely poking fun at something. I can tell that Mr. Phillips is making fun of the Apple hype and the fact that Baton Rouge--a seemingly unlikely location for an Apple Store--actually has one; however, I do not see this article as satire. (The last two paragraphs remotely resemble satire.) A botched attempt at satire does not look good coming from the Editor-in-Chief.

The Other Mr. Obvious | 2008-03-27 - 09:54:08 PM (CDT)
lawl.

blaw | 2008-03-27 - 10:18:05 PM (CDT)
"The Other Mr. Obvious" -- that is a matter of opinion. It obviously affected you in some way, which is why you decided to post your stupid little snide comment about the editor. How pathetic are you? Why were you so offended? Basically, you’ve all told the author he was effective with the article. He made fun of you – hilariously I might add. You got mad and let him know it. So, he wins, you lose. Thanks for playing. Imbecile.

Not Stupid | 2008-03-27 - 10:35:19 PM (CDT)
people posting on here need to get laid.

r | 2008-03-27 - 10:45:27 PM (CDT)
This article is about as funny as this rag plagiarizing and using photos without crediting them. Lawl

ugh | 2008-03-28 - 03:08:26 PM (CDT)
It’s about as funny as mass comm kids believing everything their teachers say.

ugh | 2008-03-28 - 03:14:02 PM (CDT)
Personally I think it’s hilarious, especially in the context of the Mac vs. PC commercials that came out. Plus, it’s nice seeing whiny Mac fanboys get their panties in a bunch and take things so seriously...lol.

It’s satire, it’s not serious, and honestly, if you take things that seriously, you need to be taken out back and shot like Old Yeller. Just proves Mac fanboys were born without a sense of humor, wit, or sarcasm. :)

Ozz | 2008-03-28 - 05:08:05 PM (CDT)
The responses to this article make it a reality that Baton Rouge isn\’t ready for a Mac Store, not just a piece of satire. From a Mac user, who refuses to ever run a windows operating system on his Mac, I did think this was funny. Not having a place to buy Mac accessories would send me into a panic. And, the internet doesn\’t work for purchases that are immediately needed. But I guess PC users who can get their crappy accessories a dime a dozen from a Wal-Mart wouldn\’t understand that. And, for the record, there are more PC cavemen pissing and moaning on this DB than Mac users. So who doesn\’t have a sense of humor? Ignorant PC users are just using this as a forum to express their jealousy towards those who can afford superior quality in a highly immature fashion.

BR Mac | 2008-03-28 - 07:04:12 PM (CDT)
you should totally write for "the onion"

great writing...

side note: apples are for eating... not computing... period...

benniebeeker | 2008-03-29 - 05:04:54 PM (CDT)
I heard from someone who supposedly knows the author of this article that he actually does do freelance work for the onion on occasion...

Soda | 2008-03-29 - 10:06:33 PM (CDT)
I can’t believe people believed this. I found this article to be hilarious because of how subtle it is. Anyone see the Reveille’s crappy attempt at humor for their April Fools issue? It was sad.

Fork | 2008-04-01 - 08:35:37 PM (CDT)
Apple wouldnt close, LSU students love wasting money to much!

Anon | 2008-04-02 - 03:57:28 PM (CDT)
This would have been a great story if it had appeared at theonion.com. As is, it was in bad taste. A weekly shouldn’t publish April fools stories.

davidst | 2008-04-02 - 05:01:09 PM (CDT)
Tiger Weekly is a terrible frat-loving, republican-biased excuse for a newspaper. Essentially the Fox News of college publications.

Truth | 2008-04-02 - 05:55:08 PM (CDT)
w/e Tiger Weekly Rules!!

Falsehood | 2008-04-02 - 05:55:43 PM (CDT)
Republican biased?

link?

k | 2008-04-02 - 05:59:53 PM (CDT)
Not a bad satire, I definitely had a chuckle or two. I can\’t see how anyone who actually read this article thought it was true. No company would actually refer to its customer base as, \"yuppie assholes\". I also highly doubt that anyone of the people who camped out for the opening of the store would have just stayed for free t-shirts.
Also, the profits from the first few days alone could have kept the store afloat longer than two weeks. Lastly Apple users, as many of my friends are, probably delight in the fact they don\’t have to send back there computer to the main Apple store for repairs or if they don\’t do that in-store they could see a real person before giving there computer away.
-not a mac user.

somekid | 2008-04-04 - 05:27:41 PM (CDT)
Yeah, it’s pretty obvious that all the people who angrily said that this article isn’t funny were just angry at the subject matter. The majority of the readers, at least the ones who didnt hear second hand the store closed, actually liked this article. This is just a handful of whiny bitches.

guy | 2008-04-04 - 11:21:37 PM (CDT)
This was bad writing. Not because of the subject matter (a fact that seems to be confusing a lot of people here), - it just wasn\’t witty or clever. It regurgitated some very old and tired Apple stereotypes, and not very imaginitively (\"apples are more expensive\", \"users are brand conscious\", \"yuppie,\" etc, etc... yaaaaaawn). Yes...AND???

It\’s pretty much akin to an \"humorous\" article reporting that the Republican Party closed it\’s Baton Rouge campaign office, filled with lame jokes about pickup trucks, camouflage, and zealous Christians. Does it get to flame certain groups the author doesn\’t like? Definitely. Is it true? Meh, maybe. Is it a funny joke? No, not really. Is it clever or original ? Definitely not.

Someone here mentioned that they \"know a guy who knows a guy\" who said \"this guy\" freelances for the Onion. How could anyone actually believe that when the evidence is right here in black and white? Clearly this guy is not even a decent satire writer, much less one of the best. The Onion IS well-written satire, this is not. While it\’s painfully obvious that this guy is making every attempt to COPY the Onion\’s signature style, all you have to do is read the Onion to see what this article is not.

This was clearly just a vehicle for this author to subtly call Apple users a bunch of yuppie assholes by virtue of his razor sharp wit and gift for clever sature. Oh wait...nevermind...Apparently he found it much easier to just literally call them \"yuppie assholes.\" Wow, this guy has some gift alright.

Tiger Weekly is such a hack rag.

Could care less about an OS | 2008-04-09 - 10:35:00 AM (CDT)
Let me let goooo, baby.
Let me let gooooo
If this is for the best
Why are you still in my heart
Let me let go

Faith Hill | 2008-04-09 - 03:00:36 PM (CDT)

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