Newlywed douchebags: Just stop

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By Jeremy Byers

Personally, I love weddings, mostly – the booze, easy bridesmaids, easier single moms and the like. But of all the joys associated with weddings and the union of two people, my least favorite is the couple. There they are, standing pompously together, noses up toward we non-married. Oh, how I loathe them.

It’s not enough that I have to suffer through their generic 20-minute ceremony with the usual readings from the Good Book, the Canon in D and the uninteresting and unsexy bridesmaids dresses, but I get the privilege, nay, the “honour” of waiting in line to tell them how much I loved the ceremony and that they’re a beautiful couple.

It’s because of all this artificial ass-kissing that the couple then returns from their honeymoon and fills their love nest with pictures of the two of them in every pose, position and predicament possible. I was taking a piss at a friend’s apartment and there they were, smiling at me with margaritas in-hand while I urinated. It was the first time I’d ever felt like a third wheel while my battleship was exposed.

Because the real world is simply not big enough to encompass their feelings for each other, the bride often turns to the virtual world, posting blogs, bulletins and completed surveys wherein every damn answer somehow involves her better half.

“Who was the last person you texted?” it asks.

“My adorable, sexy, lovable, incestuous [insert hubby’s name]. I told him I loved him and that I was thinking about him while I was making a bulletin on MySpace and that I was going to write the thank-you cards later.”

Seriously, nobody cares. I just read that in order to get some dirt on you, but you had to go and make it lurid to read. I’m still praying that you two split up or that he doesn’t keep you physically satisfied and you end up needing some dong on the side.

People keep saying divorce is on the rise, but in my opinion, if they don’t shut the hell up about it, couples will start staying together in a miserable marriage simply to defy convention, as they have done since they were 13 and having sex because their parents and the church warned against it.

Case and point, newlyweds are douchebags. One of these days, I too will get married, but you won’t see photos all over the Net, my home or covering the friggin’ speedometer on my car. I will not own a cake-topper toilet bowl cleaner, and I will not gush about my bride, nor she about me. Love is best kept a secret, not unlike lust. I just can’t wank it to the thought of a girl if she knows I’m wanking at the thought of her.

So please, if you’re going to get married, keep it to yourself. I’ll show up at your wedding, but don’t treat me like a pauper just because I’m not the guy in the goofy monkey suit. I’m probably going to nail the bride at some point anyway.

Send your comments to editor@tigerweekly.com

Originally Published: Issue 601 - March 26, 2008

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