Asinine Astrology

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By Jeremy Byers

Aries, March 21 – April 19

They say size isn’t everything, but this week you’ll wonder what it’d be like if you had bigger parts – boobs, peen, butt, brain, et cetera. Take it from somebody who has all of those – it’s much better.

Taurus, April 20 – May 20

This week, take note: The war in Iraq is not paid for with taxes (they're called war bonds), so don't be an ignorant democrat. The gas crisis is not a crisis; but rather, it's simple supply and demand. Now please stop whining.

Gemini, May 21 – June 20

Find your happy weight this week. There’s a woman behind me talking about pilates, yoga and weightlifting, but she seriously needs a sammich as soon as possible. Skinny bitches are gross, and skinny dudes are grosser.

Cancer, June 21 – July 22

Time to get tan for the summer! This week, head to whatever tanning salon advertises with us so you can leave a nice puddle of butt sweat and lotion for some poor girl to mop up for minimum wage, then laugh in her face and tell her to get a real job … like writing for Tiger Weekly.

Leo, July 23 – August 22

This week I’m getting married to a Leo whose family is about as cohesive as a hydrogen bond. Not making sense? Go back to school.

Virgo, August 23 – September 22

Raising teenagers can be extremely difficult. I wouldn’t know because I’m not retarded enough to have had a child when I was 15, but from what I gather from television clichés, it sucks. This week, use protection.

Libra, September 23 – October 22

I was talking to a reverend who shall not be named, and he brought up the movie “Wedding Crashers,” but he was referring to the readings at weddings. All I could think about was the girl who wanted rough sex the whole time. This week, find a new church.

Scorpio, October 23 – November 21

Another week of adventurous experimentation is in store for you. The next time you find yourself in a public bathroom stall with somebody in the one next to you, tap his or her shoe and see what happens. Love is in the air.

Sagittarius, November 22 – December 21

I saw a show on Discovery about sexuality and some “expert” said nothing is more attractive to a man than a developing woman. Seriously, that’s gross, and that “expert” needs to “have a seat right over there.”

Capricorn, December 22 – January 19

This week you will go to an interview and be asked, “What is your weakness?” Rather than spouting B.S. like, “I work too hard,” you’ll inadvertently say, “Young boys.” Don’t worry; the Catholic Church has work for you. Oh yes, I went there.

Aquarius, January 20 – February 18

Ask yourself questions about life this week. When you get old, will you still cuss as much as you do now? Will you find other old people attractive? Will you still have a porn addiction? The answers to all those are: yes, no, yes.

Pisces, February 19 – March 20

Dance your cares away,

Worry's for another day.

Let the music play,

Down at Fraggle Rock.

Originally Published: Issue 607 - May 6, 2008

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