Five Zinger Discount

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Sadly, David Carradine died last week, possibly from auto-erotic asphyxiation, in a hotel room in Bangkok, Thailand, at the age of 72. With a career spanning more than 100 films, he truly carved out his place amongst the pantheon of badass movie kung fu masters. This week, we have the top five reasons why Carradine's passing sucks so much.

1. Fascist police state - While the United States isn't quite there yet, we're certainly on the right track to becoming a fascist police state where the government prevents a rebellion by the populace by dazzling with the penultimate form of gladiatorial entertainment, (American Idol!) the Death Race. Contestants race across the continent in death cars running over random pedestrians and sacrificial fans to earn points. Truly, this is a fate from which only Carradine could have saved us.

2. Quests for enlightenment - With Carradine out of the picture, there will be no one to guide aspiring young warriors through numerous trials on their path to enlightenment. They will never discover true enlightenment does not come from mystical texts but from within one's self. Oprah's Book Club is about to swell in popularity.

3. Shambhala master - Carradine was a Shambhala master and gifted with superhuman abilities. He could wave his hand over a lock and it would open, cause candles to alight from across a room, pass through walls, and learn hidden truths. Now that he's gone, we're never going to recover the black boxes from Flight 447.

4. Demonstrating overreaction is bad - No one demonstrates the pitfalls that come with overreacting to bad news better than Carradine. What would you do if your girlfriend skipped out on you without a word? Carradine thought he knew what to do. He tracked her down to a Texas chapel where she was getting married to some other mook and had his gang of assassins gun everyone down before beating up his preggers ex-girlfriend for a while. To finish things off, he shot her in the head. For the record, Carradine made a very poor decision and paid for it dearly. With him dead, we can only deter homicidal bastards with Drew Peterson's example.

5. Stealing hearts - Carradine was a handsome man. He charmed a lot of ladies, but to prove just how charming he was, he also went after a man's heart, Chev Chelios's, to be exact. The gay rights movement will miss him dearly.

Note: References to Carradine's work in this column include: "Kung Fu: The Legend Continues," "Crank 2: High Voltage," "Death Race 2000," "Kill Bill Vol. 1" and Vol. 2, and "Circle of Iron."

Originally Published: Issue 803 - June 10, 2009

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