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Chatting with Johnny Every-kid, Freshman-At-Large
By Dane Mannina
As I walked the streets of Baton Rouge, Louisiana’s favorite city, a familiar breeze wafted over me. It engulfed me, ladies and gentleman, from head to toe, as did the distinctive scent it carried. And upon tasting this unique odor I knew exactly what that oh-so-familiar rush of warm August air entailed. The knowledge sent a shiver of both pure happiness and extreme horror to the core of me. The time had come again; it was freshmen season. I immediately hopped in my car and sped down to the local Wal-Mart; if there were freshmen in the city, they would be visiting their Mecca, first thing. I was barely out of my vehicle 30 seconds before I came upon a fine specimen of freshman trying to precariously load plastic container bins and a mini-fridge into the back of his 1998 Honda Civic. Careful not to disturb the creature acting in its environment, I observed from a distance for a moment. Then, I attempted communication. It went something like this:
“So you made it to college. Feeling pretty good about yourself, eh? Came to Spring Invitational and tested out of 15 credits, did you? I see that you’re already wearing your “Geaux Tigers” T-shirt you got from the book store. You know, the purple in the shirt really brings out the shine of the gem in your senior ring. That’s really nice. What’s that? You went where? Place-I’ve-never-heard-of High School in I-don’t-give-a-sh*t, USA? Well that’s just phenomenal! You must be so proud! And you graduated top of your class? No, no, it doesn’t matter that your class only had 30 people in it! College classes will probably be easy as pie for someone as smart as you.
You’re living in a dorm this year? And your roommate is your best friend that you’ve always done everything with? That’s sooo fantastic! You guys are probably going to be the bestest friends for all time.
“So what are you thinking about studying at the university? Oh yeah? What’s it going to be two years from now? Oh, really, it’s still going to be a double major in Accounting and Business? Ooooh, I understand; it has to be Accounting because you’ve already scheduled every ACCT class you could possibly get into this semester for a total of 18 hours? Man, what a go-getter; you’re definitely on your way.
“Aww, thanks, pal. You’re pretty cool, too. I really like the way you pop your collar. I should try that some time. Oh, your girlfriend likes it, too? How long have you guys been dating? Since the ninth grade? Gee, that’s wonderful. You guys must be pretty made for each other. What’s that? You sure do mumble a lot. Oh, she’s going to a kegger… at a frat house. No, I don’t know what a kegger is, either, my man. Oh don’t worry; I’m sure she’ll be in good hands, there. What are you doing tonight? Reading the first three chapters of each text book to prepare for your first day of class? That sounds like a great idea! You’re going to be on the Dean’s List in no time.
“Well, buddy, I have to say that I wish I knew as much as you when I was a Freshmen. It sounds like you’re going to be running the school soon. In fact, I’ve got a question that you might know the answer to: where’s Tureaud Hall? What’s that? Oh, you have no idea…gotcha. Well, I’m sure you’ve got a map somewhere in that bag of text books you’ve got there. How much did you spend on all those? Five-hundred dollars? Wow, that’s a lot of money. Good thing you’ll be putting those to good use this semester. And always remember that you can’t put a price on a good education. Oh yeah, of course everyone in Baton Rouge is as nice as me! Take care, now, and good luck this semester. That’s right, Geaux Tigers!”
All throughout this exchange I just wanted to slap the poor child until he either received some of the proverbial “sense” or he simply just ended up in a coma that would last the next five years of his life. But, as we all find out, mistakes are meant to be made. And even if one never sets foot in a single class during his entire visit to college, there are countless life lessons to be learned on the side. The same is true for this ignorant sap. Although I have a feeling his course load will soon include “nervous breakdown 4000,” “intro to binge drinking 1101,” and a wonderful array of reading materials to occupy himself with from the Health Center’s wall of STD pamphlets.
You think you know, freshmen, but you have no idea. Welcome to college.
Originally Published: Issue 701 - August 19, 2008
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