First date dining

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By Stephen Phillips

Equality – we’re all for it, but when it comes to dining out on a date, the first date in particular, there seems to be a misconception that all the responsibility falls on our broad, manly shoulders.

In a perfect world, everything happens as it does in movies and demented romance novels. The man would ask out the woman, pick her up at seven, open the car door for her, pull out her chair in the restaurant, and the dialogue would flow perfectly, as if a committee of writers spent hours scripting it for both of them. The night would be your interpretation of a complete success, and the man would call the next day.

While I support the first few of those values, there’s a little more to it, and my job is to remind the women that, in the words of Elvis Presley, we “ain’t for no one-sided love affair.”

The Meeting

High maintenance girls make us think of high maintenance relationships, and that’s the last thing we would ever want. If we arrive to pick you up on time, we really don’t want to wait more than five or 10 minutes for you to get ready. There’s no need to cake on the makeup and dress up like Paris Hilton (or worse, a sorority girl). We want YOU, not who you think you should be.

Don’t worry about the possibility of not being dressed for a fancy restaurant. If we didn’t tell you to dress up, we don’t want you to.

On the flipside, don’t under dress. We appreciate a woman who’s comfortable with herself and isn’t self-conscious about what she wears, but we don’t want to see you in Fashion Police, either.

Food

Ah, such scrutiny under which we are placed when it comes to ordering food on a first date: “Don’t order spaghetti or anything with red sauce! Don’t get anything with garlic! Don’t order anything weird that would make your date cringe!”

They are obvious rules that I am not inclined to refute, but on an unrelated note, what I will say is that real women should order for themselves. Wanting the man to decide for you is terribly cliché and weak.

Order what suits you, and don’t worry too much about it. Just keep in mind that while we are more than willing to spend the money, we’d appreciate the gesture of not ordering the most expensive thing on the menu, gasping at the size of the plate and eating less than half of it. You might say that you have expensive taste, but we aren’t impressed.

And finally, remember one thing: Like a hangover, only time can cure garlic breath.

Conversation

Personally, I’m only witty when I have a fair amount of caffeine in my blood, and most men are not going to say the right things all the time – hell, hardly any of the time.

Women want an interesting date; so do we. Most men might spend half the night trying to impress you, but eventually we run out of steam, and someone might end up doing all the talking at dinner. We hate one-sided conversations either way.

Speak up, ladies. The best of us care what you have to say, as long as you reciprocate. We promise not to stare at your breasts while you’re talking if you promise not to interrupt us and make the entire conversation about you.

As far as subject matter, the taboo topics are obvious. Don’t talk about your future kids or marriage, avoid discussing politics or religion if you have a strong stance on either of them, and of course, we don’t want to hear about your ex-boyfriend. He’s an ass.

Drinking

I’d like to leave you with one final piece of advice: Pretty much everyone is obnoxious when they are drunk. You aren’t the exception. Anyone who told you that you were funny when you’re drunk was also drunk. Don’t overdo it at the restaurant or you will ruin the date, and maintain the ability to think and legally drive home at all times, for your own safety and convenience (and ours).

Originally Published: Issue 415 - September 20, 2006

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