Keep the woman in line

Go-To Guy

[3 Comment(s)]

By Stephen Phillips

I’ve been dating this girl for about two months, and I’m already starting to get aggravated. She has a lot of male friends, and a lot of them are single. Sometimes they hang out with us and they are a little flirty with her. She doesn’t flirt back, but I can’t help but to wonder what she does when I’m not around. We haven’t been together long, so I just assume she’s not really serious and is already cheating on me in certain ways.

By the way, I looked you up on Facebook and saw that you were engaged. So, just tell me, how do you keep your woman in line?

-Jealous Lunatic

Dear Jealous Lunatic,

Do you mind if I call you Jealous Lunatic? You don’t? Thanks.

I totally agree with you man. Those damn women and their freedoms; what’s a guy to do to regain full possession of his property? Here’s what I would do: Lay down the line, and tell her she’s never allowed to even look at another man again, especially those losers she calls “friends.” Make her apologize, but don’t be too hard on her. Tell her she can make it up by cooking you a seven-course meal like all women are intended to do anyway, right? Wink, wink; nudge, nudge.

Or, maybe you could grow up? Yeah, let’s go with that.

Since you checked out my Facebook profile, I decided you wouldn’t mind if I checked yours. You have 112 LSU friends, and 68 of them are female. You have an LSU friend infidelity rate of 60.7 percent. On top of that, out of your latest 10 wall posts, nine of them are from women, none of which are your girlfriend. You have a 90 percent Facebook wall infidelity rate. Some of those wall posts are borderline flirtatious. Jealous Lunatic, are you a cheating bastard? I can only assume that you are cheating on your girlfriend with dozens of women.

And there you have it; irrational thoughts don’t do any good. You said you want to know how I keep my “woman in line,” as you so eloquently put it. Well, are you ready for the big secret? I don’t. She has as many male friends as she wants and says and does what she wants. What good would it be to force guidelines on somebody? The person who has ultimate freedom and still chooses to stay true to you is the one you want – not the person who doesn’t have an opportunity to be unfaithful due to your “rules.”

Try trusting her, and if you can’t do that, hit up another girl on Facebook who has a less than 50 percent LSU friend infidelity rate.

Originally Published: Issue 422 - November 15, 2006

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