Five Zinger Discount

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By Brian Fontenot

This week, we take inspiration from Jeff Foxworthy and give you the top five suggestions that you might have sustained a terrorist attack if...

1. Drop in IQ -
You might have sustained a terrorist attack if some people are so shocked by the event that still question why the terrorist did what he did, even when it's printed on his personal business cards, and he gives speeches to colleagues about it.

2. The public needs to understand, not every member of Group X is bad -
You might have sustained a terrorist attack if officials immediately become more concerned about the retaliation against Group X due to its association with the terrorist, than they do about the actual attack. It also includes using "Group X" in a newspaper column.

3. It's our fault, because of that obscure trade treaty -
You might have sustained a terrorist attack if your college professors start suggesting the United States is to blame for the attack due to its vile imperialistic policies, which apparently don't include carpet bombing countries harboring terrorists.

4. It's not a mallard, it's a duck -
You might have sustained a terrorist attack if political pundits label the attack everything from a massacre to a tragedy to a Columbine or VT-like attack but not a terrorist attack. Because, we need to wait for the FBI to maybe tell us what we already know.

5. A nation of law, not common sense -
You might have sustained a terrorist attack if government officials have to explain to the public why the terrorist must be tried by a jury in civilian court instead of just being interrogated, executed and dumped somewhere to rot.

Originally Published: Issue 824 - November 18, 2009

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