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Are you spending as much as he is? zOmG

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By Stephen Phillips

Material goods have become the foundation of a typical relationship – typical, meaning shallow. Think about how many times a year the average American couple gives presents to each other: Christmas or equivalent, birthdays, Valentine’s Day, the anniversary, maybe Mother’s Day and Father’s Day, and even Easter.

That doesn’t include the random “this made me think of you” gifts we buy for one another throughout the year. Gifts make us feel special, appreciated and loved by others. Thus, it’s only natural that a new couple might try to go all out for Christmas, Valentine’s Day, or whatever holiday that approaches their togetherness first.

It’s a lovely ritual – unless one person didn’t get the memo about how much the other person is spending.

Imagine a couple who came together at the end of November. They’re happy, basking in New Relationship Syndrome and wanting nothing more than to keep everything just peachy. Luckily, the approaching holiday is perfect for showing just how much they mean to each other – the key words here being “how much.”

A couple who has only been together for a month will not be as in tune as a “seasoned” couple, so it can be difficult to determine what to get each other and even more difficult to determine how much to spend. Let’s assume in this scenario that, as full-time students with part-time jobs and government or parental financial assistance, they both have the same Christmas budget of around $300 (and I’m being generous here. I had far less than that sometimes).

She might be the kind of girl who takes her gift budget and distributes it among many people, spending $20 each on 11 friends and family members, $30 on her best friend, and leaving about $50 for her boyfriend this year. He, on the other hand, budgets his money to spend $100 on his parents and $200 on his girlfriend. Or let’s imagine in a more extreme case that the guy maxed out a credit card, while his girlfriend had a very structured budget of $20 per person regardless of who they are. Is this truly an issue to be worried about? I say no.

Too many people worry about how much to spend, while others go even further than money, stressing about getting the same quantity of items that he got for her, or getting a gift that’s in the same league of intimacy (jewelry and perfume vs. movies and gadgets). God forbid he got her a nice bracelet if she bought him three DVDs and a new golf bag. Or even worse, she sticks to that $50 limit and gets him just two of the three DVDs and no golf bag.

Here’s a short list of what drives people insane about gift-giving:

Monetary equality – An obvious one; it’s the misconception that spending less means you care less, so matching budgets becomes top priority.

Quantitative equality – If you heard through the grapevine that he got you seven presents, you feel obligated to get him the same amount of gifts so it doesn’t look like you didn’t put as much effort into it as he did.

Competition – Some people want to establish dominance early in the relationship, and they believe putting the most thought and spending the most money will accomplish that. The key is to outdo him this Christmas, they decide. You could be doing this without realizing it.

Appropriateness – It’s the fear of being alienated and moving too fast. “Should I get him silk boxers? What if he just got me a CD?”

Previous disappointment – I’ve heard this excuse more than once: “He told me how bad his ex was at giving gifts, so I don’t want to mess this up.”

Though appropriateness (reason 4) is a reason I can understand, it shouldn’t be obsessed about. It’s true that an expensive or otherwise over-the-top gift could come across as condescending or a little pushy. And there are the obvious generally-not-a-good-idea gifts for a new relationship, like engagement rings and books of baby names. There are also less obvious ones that can only be determined through observation, but that’s your job.

I challenge you to stop caring about whether your gift is appropriately matching or exceeding the value of what you’re buying for your significant other. After all, if that kind of materialism has any real effect on the relationship, you should see a problem with that, and it’s probably best that you find out now rather than later down the road when you eventually lose the “what if he got me this?” game. But give each other some credit; it really is the thought that counts.

If mutual spending is such a big deal to you, talking to your significant other certainly isn’t out of the question, and it won’t take away from the surprise of the gift. Get this conversation out of the way so you’ll have more time to come up with a great gift idea.

It’s important to avoid setting rules about spending, however. The rules will be broken, and you will feel guilty for staying within the set limits. So, instead of rules, just explain your own spending threshold. Whether you’re tight on money or you like to buy gifts for everyone, it might suit you to get that information out in the open. He might be the same way, or he could tell you he doesn’t have a lot of people to buy for and plans to spend his budget on you.

Or maybe he doesn’t want to tell you anything about what he spent or plans to spend because he has a nice surprise in store for you.

Ultimately, what you’ll probably discover is that your partner doesn’t care how much you spend. So why should you?

Originally Published: Issue 713 - November 19, 2008

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